Brenda 00:00:01 Welcome to your yes, build life. I'm your host, Brenda Winkle, educator, healer, speaker, guide and fierce advocate for your. Yes, I help sensitive and successful men and women find, reclaim and live from their full embodied. Yes, through empowering you to understand your energetic hygiene, establish healthy boundaries, and heal your nervous system, you'll be able to create your yes filled life and move through your days with more freedom, more ease, and more joy. You'll hear inspiring stories of people who found their full bodied, yes thought leaders who pursued their own dreams and are living life on their terms, and learn new ways to find the courage, joy, ease and freedom to more fully step into your yes filled life. Saying no to the good so you can say yes to the great. Join me on this journey to discover your yes filled life. Whether you're looking to break free from the golden handcuffs, start a new business, find your dream job, or simply live with more intention and mindfulness, I've got you covered.
Brenda 00:01:15 Let's explore the possibilities together and make your dreams a reality. Ready? Let's do this. Let's get you to your yes filled life. Hi, Kevin.
Kevin 00:01:32 Hello.
Brenda 00:01:33 Thank you for joining me here today, I appreciate it.
Kevin 00:01:37 I appreciate you inviting me and having the opportunity to, you know, connect and, you know, share a little bit about our journeys together.
Brenda 00:01:45 Yeah. So let's just jump in. I love to ask this question just to kind of kick things off, which is, is there one thing you either did or did not do that has led you to your, yes, filled life.
Kevin 00:02:04 The way that that shows up for me is, is jumping off a cliff without a parachute. And that's really what it was. It's, Yeah. I lived, I lived the life that that I was supposed to live. You know, that, that meant success and meant joy and happiness. I had all of the things that, that I could have ever wished for. You know, the corporate job.
Kevin 00:02:28 I'm making almost $200,000 a year. The, you know, the big house, the fancy vehicles, the white picket fence, the the million dollar family. And realize that, you know, I was still feeling empty inside, and, yeah, it, I got to the point where, you know, the only thing that I knew how to do was try something completely different. And that's where, you know, jumping off the cliff without a parachute showed up, and it showed up in a in a very wounded and you know, on the outside looking in, you know, very toxic way that, you know, that I had to navigate and that's really, you know, was a catalyst to my journey to where I'm at now, this this yes, filled life.
Brenda 00:03:10 I love that. So when you're talking about jumping off the cliff without a parachute, you're talking about leaving behind conventionality, leaving behind the picture perfect life for the life that actually is right for you 100%.
Kevin 00:03:26 And, you know, it's, it was that that life that I thought and was taught was everything that I, you know, that I wanted.
Kevin 00:03:35 And when I got there, I was like, now what?
Brenda 00:03:40 I resonate with that. I think that's why I named the podcast or yes, Filled life, because I remember a day that my daughter was towards the end of her high school, and I remember waking up in the morning with the recognition that when she's gone, my purpose is going to have to change. And I didn't have any idea what that was going to be like. And I felt it as like heartbreak and deep heaviness in my whole body. Like I felt like I couldn't move, and I was so afraid that there was nothing else for me. And I had, you know, had this career that outwardly was very successful and I was gaining notoriety and it had a national reputation. And inside I thought, no one knows. I'm sitting here alone in my bedroom feeling like I can't move. So your story resonates with me.
Kevin 00:04:35 Yeah. I mean, I just, I hearing that too is like, you know, so often we outsource our purpose, right? Outsource our purpose to our families, to our careers, to our kids, to, you know, to things outside of ourselves, our relationships.
Kevin 00:04:51 and then it's like, what happens, you know, when our kids grow up, what happens if our relationship, you know, separates or what happens if we lose our job, if that is our sole sense of purpose? Yeah. Like it's that, again now what. Right.
Brenda 00:05:07 And there's so much expansion and just even giving yourself permission to ask the question now what. So now what. Tell us, tell us about where you are. Tell us about what you do.
Kevin 00:05:20 Yeah. So, I'm a men's coach. I, I do group facilitation, I facilitate men's work group and one on one coaching. I help men transform their lives. You know, I was, I was talking to another coach. I listened, and I listened to a podcast, too, and they, you know, instead of saying, like, what your job title is, speak to what you do. And ultimately, I helped men transform their lives in whatever way that they need it the most. And, you know, I do that through building deep connections, connecting them, you know, to where they need to go, who they are, as well as, you know, the deep connections one on one, which, you know, is is something that is men, a lot of us have never had to be in a safe container where we can be fully, authentically ourselves, real and honest and open and do that with another man.
Kevin 00:06:16 And it's there's just something special about that. And that's, you know, that's a little bit about what I do that's amazing.
Brenda 00:06:22 And so, you know, a lot of my listeners are women. There are a few men. And shout out to the few men who are who are loyal listeners. But a lot of these women, yeah, they're partnered with with men or they're partnered with masculine presenting partners. And so the listeners are probably saying, now, wait, what what are you doing here? And I just want to like for all the people, let's just take a deep breath and I'll tell you why I'm bringing Kevin here. I'm bringing Kevin here because it's important for all of us, no matter how we identify as men or women, to understand our divine masculine, to understand how the masculine energy presents, and then to understand the needs and desires of men so that we can more easily communicate with our friends, colleagues, partners if we're partnered with men. Because right now, there's so much division in our world that if we can heal the division between the masculine and the feminine, that is going to go a long way toward healing other wounds.
Kevin 00:07:31 Is, you know, that is just a beautiful truth, right? Even to think about that is like, man, that, you know, that's the direction that, you know, that the world needs to go. And it's about harmonizing the masculine and feminine. And this is one of the things that I hear a lot in the work that I do, and working with men and working with the masculine and feminine dynamics and energies, is finding that balance between the masculine and finding that balance between the feminine. But it's really about harmonizing the two, and we all have both of those energies within us. it's not about, you know, one or the other. It's about navigating that dance and being able to, you know, call on that feminine within us when it's necessary that that creation, that softness, that sensitivity, that that receptive energy, but also when we need to, you know, that you know that direction, that structure, that you know, that hard work, the all of that, you know, the the structure of the masculine.
00:08:39 You know, action.
Kevin 00:08:40 When it's necessary. The action. Yeah.
Brenda 00:08:43 Yeah. That's beautiful. And you know I want to go back to something that you said about creating a space for men to have connection. And I think that's really missing is that we have a culture that glorifies independence to a point where it's isolation. And so what is it like for men when they don't have community? What what are men feeling? What do they go through?
Kevin 00:09:13 It's very much like what we live in society today is, you know, taking it all on right feeling. Feeling like we have to have it all together if we, you know, if we don't know it all, if we don't, if we can't do everything, if we can't figure things out on our own, then we're not enough. We're not worthy. We're, you know, we're seen as less than, you know, look at all these other guys that have their masks on, of having it all together. Like they aren't showing. They aren't showing you no emotion.
Kevin 00:09:45 They aren't showing that they're afraid. They aren't showing that they're struggling because they've been taught that it's not okay to do that. Or there's this. There's this unconscious belief that, you know, to have it all. You know, nobody, as long as you don't show that you're struggling, it's it's not going to be there. And it's just not true. So, you know, what it's created is this isolation in trying to figure it all out ourselves. Yet, you know, there's we need help from everyone. And I would venture to say most of the men, the men that are listening to this podcast, but the men in the women's lives who are listening to this podcast, I would venture to say that every single one of those men would reach out their hand to help someone else if they needed it, and give them the shirt off their back, because that is so much of what, you know, all of us as a society are like. But to ask for that help and then to receive it is just like it's so foreign.
Kevin 00:10:44 It's like, you know, I can't do that. I'm not enough. Like all of these, all of these thoughts, these feelings, these emotions, these wounds that show up around, you know, being being not enough. And, you know, that's a that's a big reason why I believe, you know, even from my own experience. But but why, you know, so many men are in isolation trying to figure it all out themselves.
Brenda 00:11:08 Yeah. And so Kevin and I met in a speaking program and he was talking about the Divine Masculine. And so, Kevin, when you and I had the idea, oh my gosh, we need to record a podcast episode, we were thinking that it might be nice if the female listeners invite men they know to listen to this episode. and then also for the for the women that are listening, invitation to ask any questions and I'll share Kevin's social contact information in the show notes, but tag us both and ask us any questions that you might have, either for yourself, like how you navigate communicating with the men in your lives or any any other question.
Brenda 00:11:54 Tag us and ask your questions. Because we are we're wanting to serve. We're wanting to fill this gap. And so if a woman is listening and she is has a man in her life, whether it's a father, brother, partner, and she sees him struggling, she sees that he's really stressed out. He's internalizing things. What are some things that she can say or do that might make him feel safe enough to reach out for help, where he wouldn't feel like I'm not enough.
Kevin 00:12:28 You know, the first thing that comes up for me is acknowledging what comes up within them first. That awareness is like is is seeing my my partner, the man in my life, suffering or struggling. What's coming up in me? Is there fear? Is there insecurity? Do I not feel safe with him just recognizing that? And when you are aware and acknowledge and accept that there's a there's a that's how you can accept where he's at and acknowledge where he's at. because one of the one of the biggest things is, as a man, I don't want to be told what to do.
Kevin 00:13:06 Right.
00:13:07 For me, women don't like that either.
Kevin 00:13:09 I know women don't like that either. No, but nobody does. So it's like if it's like, hey, I see you're struggling. You need to go do this. That's, that's the last that's the last thing that's going to encourage him to, to want to go seek help. But knowing that you accept whatever it is that's coming, you know, for yourself but also for him and acknowledge that I see I see that you're struggling or you know, I see that you're that you're hurting or that you're afraid. That's okay. Let's go figure out something on how we're going to do that. Like, what do you need? What do you need from me? How can I be there for you the way that you need it the most? Asking those types of questions, creating that safe space that that the that's the divine feminine that, you know, like, let me be the protector, right. And create this safe space for you to be able to, like, open up and be like, this is what I need or I'm not sure what I need.
Kevin 00:14:08 And now you can navigate that and find that together.
Brenda 00:14:12 I love that you mentioned bringing in the divine feminine, bringing in the receptivity and meeting somebody with deep empathy and compassion, but staying centered in your own beingness where it's not a collapse in fear or worry. It's just, I see what you're what you I see that you're hurting And how can I help creating space? That's so good.
Kevin 00:14:39 Yeah. And. And that it's okay. Right? It's okay for you to show up with whatever you have. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. You know, one of the biggest things that as a society. But I'm just going to speak to men is one of the biggest fears that we have is abandonment and rejection. Right. Everything that we're doing is to try and make sure that we're not left, that we're not rejected, we're not abandoned, we're not judged, we're not ridiculed. So everything that we do, you know, the reason why we're showing up the way that we are and trying to have it all together is because if we show that we're that we're struggling, that we're suffering, that we're afraid that we don't have it all together, that we're going to be left because we're not good enough.
Kevin 00:15:25 So we're just going to like, cover that up with, like, you know, keeping it all together and showing up and not showing emotion. But it's like emotions are universal. Every single one of them. Us feels them. Right. It's it's just, you know, it's it's never been been taught to be okay to to show them all.
Brenda 00:15:44 Yeah. That's right, that's right. And so for the men out there that are listening, this is going to be a paradigm shift for them to if they begin to admit that something hurts or that something is feeling stressful, what are some safe first steps for the man who's always held it inside, the man who's always tried to do it all? What are some safe things that he might be able to try to communicate, either to his partner or to someone else that he's seeking support from, to ask for help?
Kevin 00:16:22 You know, the the first thing that comes up for me is, is know that you're not alone. Right? And that is that is the the number one thing, like the person who's right next to you at the restaurant or on the bus or in the vehicle or, you know, just take a look around.
Kevin 00:16:40 Every single one of those people are going through something in their life as well, whether it's a struggle, whether they're suffering, whether they're grieving a loss, you know, whatever that looks like, every single one of them is going through something in their life, too. So to think that you're alone with what you're feeling and what you're going through is the biggest misconception and the lie that we tell ourselves. Right. So that is that is the most important thing is like, we're not alone. Yeah. The next thing is, is there is support out there. It just takes work to it takes a little bit of work and effort to go and seek that. And the number one thing that I would suggest to all men and women who have men in their lives, encourage your men to find a men's group. There are men out there. We're out here. We're having real conversations. I created a men's group four years ago. It's transformed not only my life, but, you know, the almost 560 men that are a part of this group.
Kevin 00:17:41 Now that you know that, just have a space to, like, go and be heard, to be seen, to be witness, to be, you know, to be actually received by other men. There's that's a, that's a whole nother level. That is a frequency that not many of us have been even shown that it's okay or that it's safe, or that we're allowed to show up and be honest and real and raw with other men because, you know, we've been judged or we've been bullied or we've been we've been hurt by men in the past in, in whatever way that looks like.
00:18:17 But,
Kevin 00:18:18 You know, there's yeah, there's groups out there.
Brenda 00:18:20 Yeah, I love this. And one of the things that you embody for me is Maintaining connection with the Divine Masculine as you access your emotionality. And one of the things that that I see very commonly is like a pendulum swing really far over into the emotionality with men and where they become, they can become very, very feminine, almost with feminine mannerisms and feminine dress.
Brenda 00:18:56 And I see that a lot in the, in the spiritual communities. And there's nothing wrong with it. I'm not making it bad or wrong, if that's who you choose to be, more power to you. However, you do such a beautiful job of embodying the masculinity with access to the emotionality. I just want to recognize that. And I know that that has to have been something that you cultivated over time. Would you be willing to talk about how that came to be?
Kevin 00:19:27 You know I'll, I'll even share that. I'm, I would consider myself more feminine than my skin. You know for the better, for the better part of my life, I always really connected well with women and I enjoyed being around their, you know, their company, their, their conversations, you know, and even still like I have a really really I find it easy to connect with women and I feel comfortable and secure and safe in communicating with women. And I don't have, you know, I've sharing my feelings, my, you know, my emotions, my thoughts, actually, you know, is is a comfort for me, especially around the feminine.
Kevin 00:20:09 So I've had to I've had to really work on like embodying more of the masculine. Right. I worked in, I worked in masculine roles. Right. I was, I was in oil and gas. I was a golf pro before that, but I worked and moved into oil and gas, which was like, you know, very, very much like Uber masculine, you know, rough and, you know, just there was so much there was so much energy around, like, you know, raw and rugged and, you know, like, get shit done and work hard. And, you know, if you're if you're not going to if you're not going to do it right, then get the fuck out of the way, right. Like I'll do it myself. And there was a lot of that. And I and I learned to take that on and became quite, you know, pretty good at that. But it was also with it was like a shell or a mask or a cover up of who I was in my heart, which was more of like a softer and more connected and, and I and I really liked that energy.
Kevin 00:21:06 So it was a little bit confusing.
00:21:09 Right? Yeah.
Kevin 00:21:10 So as I started to kind of like, you know, go through my own journey of like looking in and asking those questions like, why am I being like this? Why am I saying this? Why am I doing this? You know, why am I like the way that I am? And started to understand that, you know, it was it was a lot of the the wounds that I had around, you know, the masculine and the feminine and, you know, my mother and my father that were the resulted in how I showed up. Right? So, you know, the being being more comfortable and confident, you know, communicating with women, but also in, in a way where it was like validation seeking, it was like trying to fill, fill that void because I wasn't secure and confident in myself, you know, being masculine. And, you know, the there's a saying that says the masculine needs nothing, the masculine is enough.
Kevin 00:22:09 It's that that king energy, the masculine embodies itself. It actually needs nothing. So it's, you know, holding that frame in itself. So if there's something missing. It's going to take some work around, like, you know, can I be by myself? Am I secure enough to, like, speak my truth, to stand up for myself, to, you know, go and do things on my own? If not, then that was, you know, that was the the direction that I needed to look into because I used to seek comfort in, you know, women and attention from women and, you know, recognizing that it was, you know, a wound that I had around my mother. So I don't know if that answered the question specifically, but, you know, it's, it's definitely something that I recognize in myself.
Brenda 00:22:55 I love this, and I love the layers that every single person has, like the golf pro and the working in oil and gas. And there's just so many layers of, of humanity.
Brenda 00:23:06 It's it's amazing. And when you were talking about the energy of the oil and gas and working in that like get shit done and, you know, all of this, it made me think about how many women are functioning in a distorted masculine energy in the workplace, especially CEOs and the boss babe kind of kind of thing, where there's like so much effort and there's so much force and masculinity and, and not thinking about the flow or not thinking about receptivity. And I'm wondering what effect does being in the world like that have on men when women are in their distorted masculine and they're not accessing the gifted masculine that every single one of us has?
Kevin 00:23:55 That's a really good question. And you know it's the first thing you know the my what comes up for me is confusion.
00:24:03 Right.
Kevin 00:24:03 Men are supposed to men are supposed to show up in this way. Right. We're supposed to, you know quote unquote. We're supposed to be the leaders. We're supposed to be the providers. We're supposed to be the ones that, you know, that that go and provide and you know, put food on the table, roof over the head.
Kevin 00:24:19 Right. Support our families. That's supposed to be what the masculine does. So when there's, you know, females, women, the feminine that are in these types of roles and they're showing up in this way where they're the ones that are taking the lead, they're the ones that are, you know, giving the directions, and they're the ones that are like taking action. It's like I thought that was my role as the masculine. I thought. I thought that was supposed to be me. Now I'm I'm witnessing this. Or, you know, maybe as a man, you've attracted a partner like that. I did, you know, two times in a row where, you know, like recognizing that I was like, I'm. I'm confused. Like I'm supposed to be the leader. I'm supposed to be the provider. But, you know, I'm the one that's being told what to do or controlled or, you know, led.
00:25:11 And I'm I'm.
Kevin 00:25:14 I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now.
Kevin 00:25:15 So it's like, I guess I'll just do what I'm told because, you know, happy wife, happy life. You know, that's that was kind of one of the sayings that that I was taught as a, as a kid. Right. Or the you know this. Well, you know what it's like being married. It's, you know, this is how it's supposed to be. Just listen to your wife, make sure that she's happy. But it's like, the more that the more that I did and the more that others, you know, husbands will do, the more that it just actually creates this, this dynamic of separation. Because there's there's an off balance of the polarities. Right? The feminine isn't supposed to be masculine, and the masculine isn't supposed to be feminine. When we're in our divine masculine and feminine in our embodied states, there's a there's a polarity there that creates a safety, a security, a feeling of like deep connection, you know, a magnetism, you know, sexually, Intimately, emotionally and all the ways.
Kevin 00:26:16 And when that's off, you know, we're seeing what we see in society today. These, you know, like you hear the saying, it was like these boss babes or the like the, you know, the the masculine female CEOs that, you know, they're the ones that are taking the lead because the men haven't shown up in their lives the way that they're, that they're meant to.
Brenda 00:26:37 Well yes. Perhaps. And perhaps, perhaps that with this distorted masculine energy brought forth by women, it I don't want to say incapacitates, but it definitely disincentivize a man showing up in his divine masculine. If all those roles are being filled. And I can think back for myself and my own romantic partnerships. I was married for a long time, and that didn't work out. And so then I decided I was going to course correct and I was going to do it all different. And so I went way too far on the feminine side and let let go of a lot of decision making. And then I thought, well, that must be that must be the problem.
Brenda 00:27:21 So then I had the pendulum swing all the way, the other way. And then I was in this relationship where I was taking care of everything and I was exhausted. And so I'm, as you're saying this, I'm recognizing that in myself, it's very likely that I caused some of that. It might have been innate in that, in those people to to have a leaning towards whatever. But I'm also recognizing I caused some of that with my distorted feminine being, like, needy and in a collapse and then my distorted masculine by trying to control everything.
Kevin 00:28:00 Or it's and that's, you know, it's a, it's just a natural. It's a kind of like a natural progression. Right. You know, one extreme to the other, the, you know, there's even in that there's power, right. You went from that, that you know that that feminine but unlike the maybe the codependent and the needy side to that Uber masculine. And now you got to see both sides of that. Now it's just a matter of like finding that center.
Kevin 00:28:29 And that's really, you know, that's really the power of transformation. Like, you know, if, if I'm, if I'm this way and I opposite shift this way. Now I just need to find the happy medium because I've navigated both sides. I just yeah, it's just a matter of like finding that center.
Brenda 00:28:45 That's right, that's right. So I'm wondering, like, for me, I have signs in my body that I'm doing one or the other. So if I'm in a distortion, I'll notice, like a distorted feminine, for example, where I'm needy in a collapse victim kind of thing, I notice that my shoulders roll in, that my spine is not as straight if I'm in a distortion where I'm in masculine energy, I noticed that I talk fast. I'm kind of demanding. I don't like admitting that, but I'm kind of demanding and things have to happen. Like yesterday. And then I notice that there's anxiety in my system when I'm in the distorted masculine, because there's just so much to do.
Brenda 00:29:29 And so I find that for me, if I'm in a neutral body feeling state, neutral and expansive, that's when I'm in the the sweet spot of the balance where I can access the divine feminine and also allow the masculine to come through so I can get things done. But there's more balance. Does it hit your system in a particular way when you're on one side or the other?
Kevin 00:29:56 You know, I can definitely recognize when, you know, my wounded feminine shows up. It's the, you know, the fear. It's the insecurity. Security. It's the, it's the wounding and, you know, disconnectedness around, I'm not good enough or I'm not worthy or, you know, like this, this neediness where it's, I'm afraid of being abandoned. Afraid of being rejected. So it's like, you know, I'm doing everything that I can to try and, you know, get myself out of this state. And that's what I've recognized, you know, in the past. And and even still, it shows up where I'm like, oh, I recognize this feeling of fear right within me.
Kevin 00:30:38 And it's a it's a visceral feeling in my gut going, you know, that creates these stories, right? I'm going to be left or I'm not good enough or I'm not going to be seen. I'm not being heard. It's, you know, projection. But really coming back to what's the truth. Right. It's not, it's, it's a story that I'm creating. Right. What is, what is the feeling. Where is it coming from. am I projecting something into the, you know, looking at a future projection and feeling that right now? And that's a that's a big part of, like, where the anxiousness comes in and I don't know if you've you've done work around attachment theory, but, you know, attachment is, is is huge. It's it may be the biggest, I'm going to say modality to be able to work through that, that creates, you know, the this connection, this healing, this, you know, being able to embody the masculine and feminine, you know, healing those attachment wounds and understanding them and, and finding why they show up and where they're coming from and, and how to how to get through to the other side, them of them and, you know, navigate them as a, as a whole.
Kevin 00:31:47 So, you know, just, yeah, just tuning in to what that feels like, where it's coming from.
00:31:53 And,
Kevin 00:31:54 Yeah, it's a it's a powerful place.
Brenda 00:31:56 Yeah. So what Kevin is naming is the attachment theory meaning avoidant attached or anxiously attached or securely attached. And it's very common for someone who has an anxious attachment to partner with someone who has an avoidant attachment, and then they create a cycle where one triggers the other. And until we really dig in deep to those triggers and understand what they are and heal them, it's difficult for us to come into that secure attachment. And so yeah, I love that you name that, because that was the attachment was absolutely the root of all of my distortions. Either I was avoidant attached or I was anxiously attached.
00:32:38 Yeah.
Kevin 00:32:39 And you know, there's also there's also the the disorganized or fearful avoidant attachment style. Right. Which is, which is a combination of both. Right. Right. Which is really can be really confusing. And you know what I, what I recognize and what I just learned, I actually just got back from Denver, working with, fellow named Dewey Freeman, and he came up with the Freeman attachment model.
Kevin 00:33:02 And he's he's been he's had over 80,000 contact hours, direct contact hours and therapy working with.
00:33:12 Oh yes.
Kevin 00:33:13 Yeah. So the program that I went through the workshop was with him and Trevor Boehme, and Trevor created The Man and Civilized, The Uncivilized Nation and wrote the book Man and Civilized. And, it was incredible. But that whole workshop really spoke to attachment and how it's our lack of attachment as, as children, as, you know, even even as far back as in utero. the attachment or lack of it that we had with our parents, our caregivers, the people in our lives affects every aspect of how we show up. And it's really about going back to, you know, that those attachment styles and creating contact and connection and openings for connection that help us start that healing process within ourselves. So, as you know, for those that are listening, where do you have a space where you can go and you can just like show up fully, authentically like I'm scared, you know, I'm angry.
Kevin 00:34:14 I'm full of rage. Like, I can't like, I can't keep this. Do you have a space where you can show up and that can be fully received and accepted? And if not, I'm going to invite you to to find a space where you can do that or reach out to Brenda, reach out to myself. And you know, we can we can guide you through our own practices or, you know, through our communities as well to, to to show you what it's like to have a space like that and just watch your watch your life transform.
Brenda 00:34:42 Absolutely. I couldn't have said it better 100%. finding secure attachment for me came in the form of business masterminds, which is a really interesting place. It was unexpected. I wasn't looking for that. I was looking just for business help. And I wanted a place to belong. And what I didn't know is I was repotting my nervous system with all of the the safe relationships that I was creating until my nervous system was like, oh, this is normal.
Brenda 00:35:15 This is what we want. And it was it was, you know, fairly recently and I wouldn't have identified as having attachment issues. Oh, that's not true. I would have, but I would have called it like, romantic problems. of course. Yeah. But yeah. So there there are places out there that you can get support.
Kevin 00:35:37 Yeah. And like, you know, you brought it up as the business mastermind, right. there's a safe place to show that you show up fully as it's like, hey, I'm struggling in my business, you know, I don't have enough clients. I'm not making enough money. I can't pay my taxes. I can't, you know, all of this stuff that's showing up. But it's like you being able to be safe enough to, like, open up and share that with other people that understand what you're talking about, can support you through that, or even just like, listen to you and hear you and see you.
00:36:06 And, you.
Kevin 00:36:07 Know, accept that.
Kevin 00:36:10 Yeah. So it's so many of us need like just being seen, heard and understood is like, oh.
00:36:15 Like it's like it's like I'm like.
Kevin 00:36:18 Yeah, it's medicine. Absolutely.
Brenda 00:36:21 Yeah. It's so good. So tell us more about how people can find you, how people can work with you and all the things.
Kevin 00:36:32 All the things. Okay. I'm on Instagram, creating at creating the ripple is my Instagram handle. Kevin McCarthy. McKenzie is my name on Facebook. I have a community called the Better Man Community on Facebook. It's a it's a private, free Facebook group where we gather every day we have prompts for for guys to, you know, connect on and share their wisdom, share their gifts. Every single one of us has our own wisdom and gifts to share with the world. We need it. It's, you know, there's things that have supported you on your journey, whether it's a book, whether it's a podcast, whether it's a teacher, a coach, a mentor, whatever that looks like.
Kevin 00:37:14 Bring that to the group. Share. Just share what you've been through a podcast, a song, a quote, whatever that is. You know what's helped. You will help someone else. And that's how we create a collective ripple effect of of healing and support and growth and, and, you know, community throughout the world. And that's really what this is all about. you know, that's so that's the better man community. And then we also have what's called the inner circle inside of that, which is, which is a subscription membership based group where, where we have men connecting every single day. We have weekly, online calls on zoom. One's for breathwork. One is for freedom around business finances. just overall freedom in your life. There's the mentor calls where we have special guest speakers, coaches, leaders, business owners, you know, experts coming in to speak to their, you know, to their expertise. And then there's the truth call, which is one that I facilitate. And it's all about like what's true for you right now.
Kevin 00:38:21 And, you know, let's open up and let's like, do this, this deeper work and connecting, you know, with what's going on and be able to share that and be, you know, seen, held and heard in a container with men that, you know, that are, that are there to do this deeper work as well. And it's, it's just an incredible container. And I will speak to this till the, till my final day, that there's nothing like men supporting other men. And until you've experienced that, you want to understand what it feels like. And I've, you know, I've recently had my father join in. And to one of the circles, you know, my mom just passed away on on October 17th and, and, he joined our circle that, that I facilitated, you know, a few days after is his first time. It was his first night going to be home on his own, and, and he joined in. Every single one of the men in there were just, like, so emotional.
Kevin 00:39:14 And they're like, I'm going to reconnect with my dad. I'm going to invite him. Why isn't my dad here? Why isn't my family here? And, you know, even just to connect with my father on that level and him seeing that, he's like, you know, we're actually we're actually helping people change their own lives just by showing up.
Brenda 00:39:32 That's right. And I'm sorry for your loss.
00:39:36 Thank you.
Brenda 00:39:36 Yeah. You know we were talking before we hit record. My dad died on August 16th. And we were in conversations at that time. In fact I had to reschedule a couple things. And we were talking about the myth that you have to be all the way through something before you can show up and do the work. And, you know, there's sometimes this idea that we get in our heads that we have to be perfect before we can show up to do the next thing, that we have to be, like, evolved to a certain level, or we have to be healed, or we have to be this thing.
Brenda 00:40:11 And, you know, Kevin and I are here today both having endured a deep loss really recently, and we're still showing up to do the work. We still have healing to do, and we're here doing the work, which is to say that you can do this work too.
Kevin 00:40:33 And you know, something with that too is like I'll even share. Like I felt guilty and I felt some shame around, you know, showing up and, and just like living my life like who am I. How am I supposed to just, like, go forward and live my life when, like, maybe I'm supposed to? Am I supposed to shut my life down and just grieve and be sad and and, you know, sit, sit through that? Like, how am I supposed to go forward when the person that brought me into this earth is gone? But realizing that she would never want me to sit back and hold back on my life. Right. So allowing myself to feel it when it comes up, to process it, when it comes up, to let it flow when it comes up, like the grief, the sadness, the pain, but also be allowed to be joyful and happy and excited and, you know, come and show up and and have conversations like this and do go traveling and go and and have joy and fun and laughter and play and not feel guilty for it because, you know, life does go on and it doesn't mean, you know, that, that it's not going to show up and kick us in the ass once in a while.
Kevin 00:41:49 But you know, it doesn't mean that we have to stop doing what we're doing and wait for the perfect time, because there's there's no the only there is a perfect time. And it just means right now.
00:42:00 That's right. That's right.
Kevin 00:42:01 You know, just do it and get out there and and be perfectly imperfect. And, you know, as you as you show up and all the, you know, the the mistakes that you make are just lessons that you learn for the next go round. And, you know, I make mistakes day in and day out every single day. It's just, you know, the the only thing that the only reason that their failures are considered failures or even mistakes is if I don't change them. And that's.
00:42:28 Right. Or if you.
Kevin 00:42:29 Stop, I'm all about change. Yeah. If you stop, yeah.
Brenda 00:42:32 If you stop. Yeah. I love that you say accessing joy and fun and play and and travel and doing the things that make us feel alive is part of the process.
Brenda 00:42:44 It really is part of the process because for me, I don't know how this fits for you, but or feels for you. But for me, if I was to just sit in the grief, I don't feel like I would be doing, I don't feel like I would be honoring my dad's life, because one of the things he kept saying over and over and over was, I've had such a good life, and he has this interesting life and all these things that he did and all these people that he met. And if I was just to sit at home and wait until it doesn't hurt, I would be honoring him.
Kevin 00:43:18 No, absolutely. It's it's, you know, it's interesting. It's, you know, a thought that comes up for me is like, is people, you know, waiting to feel better before they start going to exercise.
00:43:31 Or that.
Kevin 00:43:31 They, you know, they they wait till they get in, you know, they lose some weight before they go to the gym.
Kevin 00:43:36 It's like.
00:43:39 That's where you do that.
Kevin 00:43:40 You know what I mean?
00:43:41 It's like I do. So, like, I can't go to yoga.
Brenda 00:43:44 I'm not flexible enough. No, that's not how that works. It's the.
00:43:47 Opposite. Yeah. That's how you build.
Kevin 00:43:50 Flexibility is by going to yoga. It's, you know, it's, Yeah, it's it's an interesting you know, it's an interesting thought process. And, you know, as humans, we tend to hold ourselves back for all of the reasons. And it's it's just being aware of those and acknowledging those and going like, okay, this is what I want. This is the steps to get there. But this is what I'm not doing. Having that awareness is so powerful because it's like now you know, the steps that you need to take to get there. Why am I not doing those?
Brenda 00:44:22 That's right. Why am I not doing that?
Kevin 00:44:25 You know, like, I'll and I say this all the time to clients very often is like, awareness is the most powerful thing that we can have.
Kevin 00:44:33 But it's also can be very painful because it's really difficult to be aware of all the things that you know, that are going to get us to the next level. We know what we're supposed to do to to make us feel better, yet we're not doing those and then addressing why that is. And I'm going to say one of the biggest things that that is, that is an issue for, for us men, but as people in general as we're trying to do it all alone.
Brenda 00:44:59 Absolutely. I say that to my clients, too. I say it a little bit differently, but I say awareness is the first step. It doesn't mean you have to take an action right away, but just being aware of what is actually going on is so profound. And to your point, you don't have to do it alone.
00:45:16 Yeah, yeah.
Kevin 00:45:17 Yeah, it's data to create it. You know, as a friend of mine, Tyson's always says he said state it to create it. So putting it out there like, hey, you want to stop drinking? Announced that you want to stop drinking.
Kevin 00:45:28 There will be people out there that will help hold you accountable.
00:45:32 so.
Brenda 00:45:32 Kevin, what would you announce if you were going to state it to create it? What would you say?
Kevin 00:45:39 I've been wanting to start a podcast for a long time, like probably three years and I haven't because of all the reasons. Right.
00:45:46 So
Kevin 00:45:48 I'm going to, I'm going to start a podcast.
Brenda 00:45:50 Oh I love that. I love that. That is juicy. Let us know when you start it. And I'll put the link in this episode.
Kevin 00:46:00 Okay. I even have the I even have the name of it and everything. It's on Spotify. I just haven't recorded anything yet, so it's, it's right there, but, Yeah, it's it's something that I've always wanted to do. I love these conversations. I love just, like, organically going with the flow and and, Yeah, it's something I love to do. So yeah, I'm looking forward to that as well.
Brenda 00:46:19 Amazing. Thank you so much for taking time to be here today.
Brenda 00:46:23 It means a lot to have you here.
Kevin 00:46:26 it means a lot to be invited. And I love your energy, your voice. Just that smile of yours. It's, It's infectious. So, you know, thank you for having me.
Brenda 00:46:34 Oh. You're welcome. Thank you.
